You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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