I can tuck mytits in my pants
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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