i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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