oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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