Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
