he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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