How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
