Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize