My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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