I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
