It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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