you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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