Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
