would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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