Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
