I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize