So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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