he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
