just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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