do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Success! We fucked roommates!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
