he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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