The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize