update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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