So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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