dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
