I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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