Dude my mom stole all your condoms
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
