guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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