he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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