I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
