my phone needs a breathalizer
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
