You can't special order awesome
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
