Porn is love you can see.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
