Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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