First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
