Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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