I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
