Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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