someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
They have beer where we have blood.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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