She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
