Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
