The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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