youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
third nipple confirmed
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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