one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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