Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
