His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize