I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
