i think my mom watched the whole time
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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