not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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