Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
