My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize