Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Terrible idea I love it
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
