if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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