He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I wear drunk well.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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