Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize