He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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